I've been searching for an appropriate metaphor for this program and my experiences while in Ecuador. Last week, I finally found it. My experiences and this program are like the Pompa Mesa pig. Before the metaphor can be fully realized, I must give a little background about poor, Wilbur. Jen and Rumi negotiated the price of a pig with a resident of Cahauzhun Grande. The price was set and payment was to be delivered later in the week. When it came time to pay, however, the price was raised significantly. Jen was put in an extremely precarious position--wanting to make good on our promise to provide a pig for the Pompa Mesa but also not wanting to be taken advantage of. On top of that, there was deep concern with solving a problem with money, particularly with our community partners. When everything was said and done, we purchased our pig.
Last Thursday, he reached his decided life expectancy. We arrived at the school and Rumi gathered the children to come and watch the slaughter of Wilbur. The pig unknowingly sauntered towards the small building where it would ultimately meet its demise. There were a group of men in charge of ending Wilbur; they tied the pig's legs and readied themselves. When one of the men attempted to stab the pig in the heart, the knife broke. Someone retrieved a second knife, but it was not long enough to reach the heart; it was a laborious affair. The entire process was long and painful, Wilbur's screams lasted for more than 10 minutes. We watched as he bled out and life slowly drained from his eyes.
The picture I've painted, while bleak, is in part, indicative of my experiences in Ecuador. Just as there was an agreed upon price to buy Wilbur, there was a set itinerary. Just as initial price agreements were irrelevant, so too was our itinerary. And just as Jen and Rumi did what needed to be done in order to fulfill our commitment to the Pompa Mesa celebration, so too did the OSU students while in the classroom and during discussions with the Luis Cordero school teachers. Much like the death of Wilbur, this trip has been messy, uncomfortable, and painful. Students are experiencing dissonance, fighting off illness and exhaustion, and experiencing previously unknown biases.
However, while the death of Wilbur is representative of my experience in that it was uncomfortable and messy, it also represents fulfillment. With the pig's death, an entire village was fed. The meat of the pig provided nourishment for all. It also served as a means for the residents of Cahauzhun Grande to welcome us into their community. In this way, the pig's death is much like my experience and the way I am making meaning of this trip. This trip is uncomfortable, hard, and at times, sad, but also fulfilling, rich, and full of significance. I am challenging everything I know. I am left not with answers, but with more questions. This trip as provided me with intellectual and philosophical nourishment. And so, I've found my metaphor.
This trip has been "Some Pig."
Monday, May 19, 2014
Monday, May 12, 2014
Discovery, Dissonance, and Desarrollo
Our instructor has started referring to this experience thus far as an "awesome shitshow." I couldn't more accurately describe it. Since arriving I've been in a state of dissonance. I am feeling at once cognizant of both my privilege as an educated resident of the United States and the racial and gender biases that position me as less-than throughout Ecuador. I am aware of how problematic it sounds to think "I cannot wait for a hot shower when I get back" and "I wish I had a stable WiFi connection so I upload my blog"...and yet, I still have these thoughts (#FirstWorldProblems). I am feeling the hypocrisy that comes with positing oneself as equals in a mutual partnership and yet traveling an hour and a half each way via bus from our comfortable homestays rather than living in the community in which we work. I am troubled by our participation in structured tours of Quito, Cuenca, Sigsig, and Saraguro after reading "A Small Place". Dissonance everywhere!
As I reflect on my role both in Cahuazhun Grande and in Cuenca, I feel wholly unsure. Each day brings something new and unexpected. At the moment, I do not know what my role is here. The two things that come to the forefront of my mind when I think of what I am doing here are: learning and supporting. Each day is a lesson, every day I take in something new from the people of Cuenca, the students and teachers in Cahuazhun Grande, my host family, my instructors, and my peers. Whether it be through listening to reflection and thoughts or helping in the classroom, I hope I am of support to my peers. But when I think about the ways in which I am spending my time here: learning and supporting, I wonder, is this an appropriate role? Should I be doing more? What does more look like? I am learning so much but what am I teaching? Am I working towards fulfilling the mission of this program? Is that mission attainable as the program currently stands?
Group teaching in Cahuazhun Grande has been at once rewarding and exhausting. Our first day in the classroom was extremely uncomfortable because many of the students did not want to interact with me. It did not occur to me before taking this journey that some of the OSU participants may be the first dark-skinned people these students have seen. I feel extremely self-conscious about my ability to speak Spanish and extreme embarrassment that I am not remembering more quickly. And so, when I make an effort to talk to the students and they are scared to speak to me because they perhaps have never seen someone who looks like me, it makes the sense of failure that much more pronounced. The first day, I felt such shame and guilt. The next day proceeded more smoothly and some of the students slowly began to interact with me, but I still go to bed each night wondering when I will be of value to this program. I also feel immense guilt for having missed a day of classes due to the need for medical care. Logically, I know that this decision is one that was best for myself and the group, however, I cannot help but feel that I have been a disappointment to my peers and our community partners.
I feel dissonance in being an active participant AND facilitator within this program. I severely underestimated the toll that long commutes, working with children, and code-switching between languages would have on my energy levels. I also did not account for the time we would be expected to meaningfully engage with our host families. While spending time with my host family is something I look forward to while in Cuenca, it is emotionally and intellectually taxing to come home from work and be unable to "turn-off". I spent a great deal of time prior to arrival thinking of all of the various ways we could unintentionally do harm to our community partners and never thought about the ways in which the program could be taxing or emotionally harmful for the OSU participants. While the graduate students have had a structured time to reflect and decompress, I believe we did a disservice to the undergraduate students in waiting so long to establish a space to safely reflect. However, I was deeply impressed by the undergraduate student's willingness to reflect and honestly engage in critical discourse today in a large group. I believe that the team building and reflection that began today will allow the group to be one of cohesion and openness. I feel most comfortable with these dual roles when engaging in one-on-one reflections. For example, when reflecting with my travel buddy, we were able to unpack power dynamics and issues of privilege while observing our environment together. In this way, I feel I am able to see, experience, process, and adapt. But I wonder if reflection is doing the same for undergraduate students.
With regards to administering "service-learning"...I don't know. I have unanswerable questions. One thought that is particularly salient for me at the moment is the low participation rates of students of color in service-learning. For international service-learning, I can't help but believe low participation rates are in part a result of the experiences students of color have while abroad. It is deeply troubling to leave your home to engage in a partnership only to find members of that partnership do not want you. And that the people on the street do not want you. While there is no overt hostility, there are stares, comments and (internalized) reinforcements of self-doubt. I prepared myself to function in a culture in which gender bias would be more pronounced than in the States, but I was unprepared to be received poorly with respect to my race (despite having experience abroad). And so, it is easy for me to understand why one would not want to spend thousands of dollars to experience a degree of Othering that is even greater than at home. I also wonder if our exchange is mutual; I certainly leave each day feeling exhausted but I always feel I learned more from the students and teachers than they learned from me. I feel their impact on me is so great, but I am not sure that I'm leaving a significant impact on the community. Is participation in exchange service? Time will tell.
As I reflect on my role both in Cahuazhun Grande and in Cuenca, I feel wholly unsure. Each day brings something new and unexpected. At the moment, I do not know what my role is here. The two things that come to the forefront of my mind when I think of what I am doing here are: learning and supporting. Each day is a lesson, every day I take in something new from the people of Cuenca, the students and teachers in Cahuazhun Grande, my host family, my instructors, and my peers. Whether it be through listening to reflection and thoughts or helping in the classroom, I hope I am of support to my peers. But when I think about the ways in which I am spending my time here: learning and supporting, I wonder, is this an appropriate role? Should I be doing more? What does more look like? I am learning so much but what am I teaching? Am I working towards fulfilling the mission of this program? Is that mission attainable as the program currently stands?
Group teaching in Cahuazhun Grande has been at once rewarding and exhausting. Our first day in the classroom was extremely uncomfortable because many of the students did not want to interact with me. It did not occur to me before taking this journey that some of the OSU participants may be the first dark-skinned people these students have seen. I feel extremely self-conscious about my ability to speak Spanish and extreme embarrassment that I am not remembering more quickly. And so, when I make an effort to talk to the students and they are scared to speak to me because they perhaps have never seen someone who looks like me, it makes the sense of failure that much more pronounced. The first day, I felt such shame and guilt. The next day proceeded more smoothly and some of the students slowly began to interact with me, but I still go to bed each night wondering when I will be of value to this program. I also feel immense guilt for having missed a day of classes due to the need for medical care. Logically, I know that this decision is one that was best for myself and the group, however, I cannot help but feel that I have been a disappointment to my peers and our community partners.
I feel dissonance in being an active participant AND facilitator within this program. I severely underestimated the toll that long commutes, working with children, and code-switching between languages would have on my energy levels. I also did not account for the time we would be expected to meaningfully engage with our host families. While spending time with my host family is something I look forward to while in Cuenca, it is emotionally and intellectually taxing to come home from work and be unable to "turn-off". I spent a great deal of time prior to arrival thinking of all of the various ways we could unintentionally do harm to our community partners and never thought about the ways in which the program could be taxing or emotionally harmful for the OSU participants. While the graduate students have had a structured time to reflect and decompress, I believe we did a disservice to the undergraduate students in waiting so long to establish a space to safely reflect. However, I was deeply impressed by the undergraduate student's willingness to reflect and honestly engage in critical discourse today in a large group. I believe that the team building and reflection that began today will allow the group to be one of cohesion and openness. I feel most comfortable with these dual roles when engaging in one-on-one reflections. For example, when reflecting with my travel buddy, we were able to unpack power dynamics and issues of privilege while observing our environment together. In this way, I feel I am able to see, experience, process, and adapt. But I wonder if reflection is doing the same for undergraduate students.
With regards to administering "service-learning"...I don't know. I have unanswerable questions. One thought that is particularly salient for me at the moment is the low participation rates of students of color in service-learning. For international service-learning, I can't help but believe low participation rates are in part a result of the experiences students of color have while abroad. It is deeply troubling to leave your home to engage in a partnership only to find members of that partnership do not want you. And that the people on the street do not want you. While there is no overt hostility, there are stares, comments and (internalized) reinforcements of self-doubt. I prepared myself to function in a culture in which gender bias would be more pronounced than in the States, but I was unprepared to be received poorly with respect to my race (despite having experience abroad). And so, it is easy for me to understand why one would not want to spend thousands of dollars to experience a degree of Othering that is even greater than at home. I also wonder if our exchange is mutual; I certainly leave each day feeling exhausted but I always feel I learned more from the students and teachers than they learned from me. I feel their impact on me is so great, but I am not sure that I'm leaving a significant impact on the community. Is participation in exchange service? Time will tell.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)